A fresh confidence in Christ!

Every so often I will find myself running through a list of questions in my mind. Questions to search out where my true joy, confidence, peace comes from. Trying to root out any idols or areas of floundering in my life may be. Is the Gospel- that which I say is of most importance- really proving to be of most importance in my life? If so, my actions, thoughts and such should line up in a clear line pointing the way to Christ being of utmost importance to me. Unfortunately, often I find that my life gets derailed by things of small importance. Majoring in the minors as someone once said. This time here is somewhat designed to help root out those minors and replace them with the Major.

I knew there would be differences here but never having lived more than a half an hour away from my childhood home, there were some things that I have never thought of or had opportunity to work through like I have already here. These last few days have been more of a struggle. I've never been away from home for more than 2 weeks and even during that vacation we had my parents along! This clearly is not a vacation though. We are living real life... cooking, cleaning, going to work, grocery shopping, teaching school, disciplining, getting into conflicts, etc. As much as parts of being here feel like a vacation, it's not. It's all so different.

Last night my sweet husband allowed me to get out without any kids for a while. I hopped in our car and drove down 9 floors of parking garage to get to the street and followed my friend, the GPS, where she told me to go. What should have been a 10 minute trip turned into a 5 o'clock traffic jam of 45 minutes. I made wrong turns, I sat at 1 light for probably 15 minutes. I was frustrated. I finally arrived at Target. I didn't realize it till I was in the store, but Target and Sams Club are kind of a home away from home. Aside from parking in a parking garage to get there and them stocking a few things- like SPAM- that I don't often see in Orlando's stores, I could almost be shopping right there in Casselberry. It's peaceful. I know where I'm going. I feel at home. Apparently too much at home, I looked down at my watch and realized painfully that it was getting dark. I checked out and loaded up my car and drove out of the parking garage into the dark. *Sigh* this is what I was hoping to avoid. I flipped on my headlights. The car alarm chirped in joyfully. Happy to be let loose again from where we confined it, it sang the whole way home. We went swimming with the key fob a few days earlier and that broke the alarm. We got it to stop but if the lights are on, then so is the alarm. Derek just didn't have the right tool to disconnect that just yet. It was rathers mortifying. Driving home with the background noise and off put looks of the pedestrians everywhere, I found myself anxious over something else. During that noisy ride home, God was so gracious to reveal to me an area that I was finding confidence in instead of Him. Finances were bothering me. I had just spend $100+ at Target... again. A normal quick grocery trip in the past would have been $25-$50 but here, I can't seem to leave a store without spending $100- $150! I have prided myself in the past at being able to grocery shop and provide good meals for my family on a meager budget. I love the fact that my home is furnished and decorated beautifully but frugally. Is that a necessity though? Here, we are in an apartment that has everything to meet our needs. Yet I find myself staring in anguish at the white walls and the furnishings and curtains that wouldn't be my exact pick. I am spending hundreds of dollars on groceries and other miscellaneous things that we need to set up the home. Am I a failure for having to do so without saving tons of money?

God is revealing slowly to me that my confidence as a wife should not be in making a beautiful home or an extravagant meal at a great price. I have been depending on these things that he has gifted me with and only as I am seeing my expectations for myself crashing down am I realizing that in these small things, I have taken God out of the equation! Oh the blessing to see this! Thank you God for taking the time to disarm me and make me once more dependent on you in an area that I have trusted in myself. I was so encouraged this morning while reading “Valley of Vision”:

“Giver of all graces, I look to thee for strength to maintain them in me, for it is hard to practice what I believe. Strengthen me against temptations. My heart is an unexhausted fountain of sin, a river of corruption since childhood days, flowing on in every pattern of behavior; Thou hast disarmed me of the means in which I trusted, and I have no strength but in thee... keep me sensible of my weakness and of my dependence upon thy strength. Let every trial teach me more of thy peace, more of thy love. My the Spirit confirm my trust in they promised help, and let me walk humbly in dependence upon thee, for Jesus' sake.”

Two weeks in and God is just prying open the topmost layers of my dependence on myself and the smallness with which I view Him! What a journey lies ahead I am sure! One that is worth every bit of trial and the massive homesickness that I feel already! Thanks for being here with me on this journey!